In an unprecedented turn of events, the England national football team has announced that they are severing ties with the FA and moving operations to Wembley FC’s Vale Farm Stadium, citing a multitude of internal disputes, including frustrations over pay and conditions at Wembley Stadium. The decision, which has shocked fans and pundits alike, comes after weeks of mounting tension between players and the governing body.
Among the most high-profile names reportedly involved in the fallout are Declan Rice, Jude Bellingham, and Harry Kane. In an emotional statement, Rice said, “After years of underappreciation, it’s time for us to take a stand. This isn’t just about money—it’s about respect. We are professional athletes, and we deserve better. Moving to Vale Farm is a fresh start for us, and it’s where we feel we can truly thrive.”
Bellingham, who has been in top form for Real Madrid, echoed Rice’s sentiments: “The facilities at Wembley were once a symbol of pride, but they’ve become a symbol of mismanagement. We’ve made the decision to move on, and we hope this change will inspire future generations to demand more from their national setup.”
The final straw for the England squad appeared to be the ongoing problems surrounding Thomas Tuchel himself. Sources close to the team have claimed that the state he has left of the pitch and the way he treats the players ongoing construction projects have caused constant disruption to the team’s preparation. “We were expected to play on a pitch that felt like a car park, and all the while, the FA was more focused on expanding the stadium than actually supporting the players,” one anonymous insider revealed. They also revealed that non-League players would be more accepting to play under Thomas Tuchel.
With the announcement of the move to Vale Farm, the FA has confirmed that England’s next fixture, originally scheduled against Albania, has been postponed to April Fools’ Day. “We felt this would be a fitting date, given the absurdity of the entire situation,” an FA spokesperson said with a wry smile. “We’re confident that the team will regroup and continue to perform, though the future does remain uncertain.”
In a bizarre twist, the newly-formed team, which has been hastily assembled from non-league players, took to the pitch for an early warm-up match against San Marino’s B team. Unfortunately, things didn’t go as planned, with England suffering a crushing 6-0 defeat. The non-league team struggled against their amateur counterparts, highlighting the extent of the disruption within the national setup. One fan tweeted, “I guess this is what happens when you replace Premier League stars with Sunday league players. Tough times ahead.”
The defeat has only added fuel to the fire, with many questioning the future of the national team. The players, now training at Vale Farm, are reportedly finding it difficult to adjust to their new surroundings. As for the famous names of Rice, Bellingham, and Kane, sources say they are unlikely to return to the England fold anytime soon.
Despite the drama, the FA has promised to “continue discussions” with the team and explore alternative venues for future matches. However, for now, the England squad remains in limbo, and with the current state of affairs, fans are wondering if they’ll ever see their stars play in the iconic Three Lions shirt again.
The new lineup is expected to be:
GK – Henry Bele (Sutton United, construction engineer)
CB – Michael Smith (Real Bedford, accountant), Steven Parma (Maidstone United, restaurant manager)
LB – Timothy Rubain (Wealdstone, the only full professional player in the lineup)
RB – Micky Denvers (Swindon Supermarine, investment broker)
CM – Jakob Græssun (Folkestone Invicta, Norwegian-born English naturalised player), Freddie Baker (Deal Town, part time clown, part time fool)
RW – Henri Statham (Yeovil Town, greengrocer)
LW – Carlos Potter (Weymouth, part time lawyer)
ST – Luke Ronaldo (Woking, farmer)
Stay tuned for more updates, as this story continues to unfold.