Alexander Releases Details of ER Scheme

Lamar Alexander’s groundbreaking scheme to create standalone ‘separate but equal’ ERs for the uninsured was first proposed in a 2011 select Senate committee report.

Each ERwill have its own “Death Panel” to perform triage on incoming patients. Individuals whose care is deemed too expensive will be admitted to state-of-the-art hospice rooms in each facility, where care will be denied by vet techs who must first undergo an intensive two-day training program.

In a further “Modest Proposal”, the cost of funeral arrangements for the survivors of deceased “patients” will be reduced by an arrangement with local zoos.

Dr Chuck Brady of Memphis Zoo, in a press release dated May 12th, stated that the new protein source provided by the corpses of indigent patients, would be welcomed by the denizens of his “Cat Country”. “We already have a protein salvage program, using the carcasses of foxes killed by the Oak Grove Hunt. The savings from this new program will make the meager $9.5M provided by the City of Memphis go that much further. We will be able to have a salary increase for top level staff. I have been struggling to scrape by on my $430,000 salary for more than several months now, and the Alexander ER Protein Supplement Program will save enough money for a $100,000 pay increase. We will be able to to this without hitting up cash-strapped taxpayers for more money. It will be a major boost for staff retention”.

The examples of Senator Alexander and Dr. Brady, in saving public funds at whatever cost, should be emulated by our spendthrift public officials.